Respect Is to Be Grown

 

Recently, in one of the Toastmasters Table Topics Contests, a topic was “Respect is to be earned.” It is true but I prefer “Respect is to be grown”, which sounds more proactive and shows people the way to get respect from others.

We all want to be respected. To be respected is a human need. But this need can’t be produced on its own. We must make efforts to grow respect and take care of it, until one day we can achieve the result——to be respected.

When growing the crop, we must use our heart with care and attendance. Fruits cannot be got only by using advanced machines or techniques. It’s true as for respect. Use our heart to care about each and every person around us, make them feel important and appreciated, and try our best to help them.

There’s a man (let’s call him G) respected by almost everyone in our Toastmasters club. He is respected not because he was once the district governor, but because he shows care, appreciation and support to everyone he meets.

In a conference last year, I sat near G. After the meeting, a member he hadn’t met before came to him to say goodbye. He stood up, shook hands with him, and asked his name and something about his membership. That was out of my expectation. G was so approachable as a past district governor and I could tell the member felt cared and appreciated. Making everyone feel important gives G the credit to be respected.

You can always find G for guidance and advices as well, even though you may just get to know him. A friend of mine was determined to win the speech contest last year, so he decided to get suggestions from G. Although my friend had just been to G’s club twice, G invited my friend to his office and gave him a lot of guidance and advices.

When a speech is really boring, what are you doing? Every time as long as G is in a club meeting, no one will feel ignored even though the speaker’s speech is really boring. Once during the club meeting, after G went out for an important call, a speaker began his speech. I’m sorry to admit that his speech was really boring and he wasn’t articulate at all. Few of the audience looked at him and made response. The speaker himself began to feel boring and couldn’t wait to finish his speech. After a few seconds, G came back to the room. The speaker was saying that he finally made a decision to do something and went closer to his dream, G made a “wow” and “oh, yeah”. All the other audience began to pay attention to the speaker and responded, “Great!” The speaker’s eyes suddenly glittered and said, “yes, I made that decision!” He felt being encouraged and then filled with enthusiasm to continue his speech. Appreciation and support, G gives that to everyone.

There’s no wonder that everyone G meets come to say hello to him, and there’s no wonder when he shows up the crowd cheers the most. To be respected has nothing to do with the title, but the respect for others with our heart. Grow the respect, then you’ll receive the respect.

Understand Others Better (4)

Digital Auditories

• I make important decisions based on precise review and study of the issues.
• During an argument, I’m most likely to be influenced by the logic of the other person’s argument.
• I most easily communicate what is going on with me by the words I chose.
• It’s easier for me to select the most intellectually relevant point in an interesting subject.
• I’m very adept at making sense of new facts and data.
• I treasure moments of inner reflection.
• I need to go “inside” and rationalize with myself about most new learnings.
• I have an analytical mind talks to itself frequently.
• Quiet moments of inner self-talk is essential for me to make a good decision.
• I tend to detach myself from others to evaluate them accurately.
• The quietness of a car is important, as it allows me to hear myself think.
• I love the challenge of answering my own questions inwardly.
• I usually have to talk to myself internally until I sense the right name of a person.
• I learn best when I can analyze things by reasoning with myself.
• I tend to dissociate myself from others to make better judgements logically.
• I exercise so that I can hear myself say “Awesome”!
• I like a house with rooms that are quiet enough for self-evaluation.
• My abilities in logical reasoning are well known among my friends.
• I like reading thought-provoking books that encourages me to reason with myself.

You may find that you can pick out descriptions that suit you in each of those four types. It’s quite normal as our behaviors are generated from a mixture of internal and external sense experiences. We can have a mixture of those types at the same time and they are not mutually exclusive.

However, we do tend to use one or two internal senses (visual, auditory, kinesthetic or digital auditory sense) habitually or naturally, and they have become smooth and distinguished. This is called our Preferred Representational System (PRS) in NLP.

Understand Others Better (3)

Kinesthetics

• I make important decisions based on gut level feelings.
• During an argument, I’m most likely to be influenced by whether or not I’m in touch with the other person’s true feelings.
• I most easily communicate what is going on with me by the feelings I share.
• It’s easier for me to select the most comfortable furniture.
• I’m very sensitive to the way articles of clothing feel on my body.
• I felt compelled to dance to good music.
• I tend to answer questions using my gut feelings.
• I have a keen sense of touching and feeling things.
• I find myself holding or touching things as they are being explained.
• The way others shake hands with me means a lot to me.
• I like a car that feels good when I drive in it.
• I tend to touch people when I’m talking.
• I can’t remember what people look like, however I usually have a familiar feeling that I’ve met them before.
• I like to participate in activities rather than watch.
• I feel positive or negative towards others, sometimes without knowing why.
• I exercise because of the way I feel afterward.
• It’s all important to me that a house feels cozy and comfortable.
• I’ve been told that I’m well-coordinated.
• I like hands on do-it-yourself activities.

Understant Others Better (2)

Auditories

• I make important decisions based on which way sounds the best.
• During an argument, I’m most likely to be influenced by the other person’s tone of voice.
• I most easily communicate what is going on with me by my tone of voice.
• It’s easier for me to find the ideal volume and tuning on a stereo system.
• I’m very attuned to the sounds fo my surroundings.
• I love to listen to music.
• I would rather take an oral test than a written one.
• I’ve been told that I have a great speaking voice.
• I can resolve problems more quickly when I talk aloud t myself.
• I can usually determine sincerity by the tonality of a person’s voice.
• I can hear even the slightest noise that my car makes.
• Others tell me that I’m easy to talk to.
• I’m fairly aware of what voices sound like on the phone, as well as face to face.
• I would rather have an idea explained to me than to read it.
• I’m patient in waiting for others to finish their sentence.
• I exercise because I love the compliments others are giving me.
• It’s crucial that my house is conducive for music listening.
• I like to match the way people talk.
• I really enjoy having interesting conversations with my friends.

Understand Others Better (1)

In order to let you better understand the NLP concepts in my last few posts, I’d like to give some examples for each of the representational systems. Your discussion is welcomed in the comments.

Visuals

• I make important decisions based on what looks best to me.
• During an argument, I’m most likely to be influenced by whether or not I can see the other person’s point of view.
• I most easily communicate what is going on with me by the way I dress and look.
• It’s easier for me to select rich, attractive color combinations.
• I have a strong response to colors and the way a room looks.
• I enjoy viewing art galleries and window shopping.
• I get very irritated when there’s no clear visual aids.
• My confidence increases when I look good.
• I would rather be shown an illustration than have something explained to me.
• I find that I’m able to accurately sum up others just by their appearance.
• It is important that my car is kept neat and clean, inside and out.
• I enjoy “people watching”.
• I often remember what someone looked like, but not remember the person’s name.
• I enjoy seminars more if they use powerful visual aids.
• I find myself judging others by their facial expressions.
• I work out consistently to stay in good shape.
• It’s important that my house is clean and tidy, it gives me a picture of orderliness.
• I made a list of things I need to do each day.
• I like to go the movies or watch TV.

How to Understand Others and Improve Communication (4)

We use all the 3 primary Representational Systems (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) all the time, although we are not equally aware of them all, and we tend to favor some over others.

For example, many people have an inner voice that runs in the auditory system creating an internal dialogue. They rehearse arguments and speeches, make up replies and generally talk things over with themselves. This is known as Auditory Digital system. As it is distinct from the basic auditory system, it is picked out in particular.

A. Characteristics Generalizations

• Head: lean to one side, resting on their hand or fist. This is known as a “telephone position”.
• Breathe: shallow and restricted.
• Little eye contact, sometimes seem to look through you.
• Voice: little vocal variations, talk in monotone.
• Choice of words: experience, understand, think etc.
• Move lips while in deep thought.
• Gestures: little, stationary.
• Keep a distance to disconnect an analyze things.
• More dissoiated in their experience.
• Challenge: external sensory awareness.
• General appearance: neat, functional, down to earth.

B. How to Create Rapport with Auditory Digital People

• Illustrations: give them plenty of time to look through; presentation kits, graphs, charts, pictures and include more write-ups.
• Use digital descriptive words, like think, opinion, understand, know; help them make sense with a systematic approach.
• Match their speaking tone.
• They learn best through reading and analysis: provide them ample factual and logical information; give them time to think things through.
• Give them the details first: organize information and present it step by step; give them time to “talk to themselves”; engage their thinking with you by asking factual questions.
• Encourage them to discuss what they are thinking: let them backtrack what you have just said; engage their senses in your presentation.
• Get eye contact from them.
• Give them space.

This is the end of the Representational System topic. People are always richer than generalizations about them. These generalizations must be checked against observation and experience.

How to Understand Others and Improve Communication (3)

3. Kinesthetics

A. Characteristics Generalizations

• Head & chin: tilt slightly downwards.
• Breathe: deeply, low in the stomach area.
• Lesser eye contact.
• Voice: lower tonality, slower tempo.
• Speak with pauses.
• Words used often: feel, hold, handle, etc.
• Gestures: emotionally localize around upper body.
• Standclose to people and like to touch, to feel the information.
• More associated to their experience.
• Challenge: detaching from emotions.
• General apperance: usually in comfortable clothing.

(Rodin’s famous sculpture of “The Thinker”, is thinking kinesthetically.) 

B. How to Create Rapport with Kinesthetic People

• Illustrations: presentation kits, graphs, pictures in 1-2 pages.
• Use kinesthetic descriptive words, like feel, touch, concrete, hold, handle, etc.; help them feel what you are saying.
• Slow down your talking: be patient with their pauses and tempo of speech.
• They learn best through physical involvement: let them experiment by try things out; encourage them to write things down; when planning for future events encourage them to use all their other senses, such as visualizing, talking things through and do role-plays.
• Give them “hands-on” experience: give them something to touch, even brochures; walk them through your product, office, home etc.; share your feelings to engage their emotions.
• Minimize physical distractions: be comfortable yourself with dressing, make-up, hair; select appropriate location, airy, temperature and cozy furniture.
• Match their eye contact: the least eye contact amongh all types.
• Gradually sit or stand closer: they respond well to touch, however take the lead from them.

How to Understand Others and Improve Communication (2)

2. Auditories
A. Characteristics Generalization

• Head: turn towards the speaker.
• Breathe: evenly over the whole chest.
• Look away to avoid distraction.
• Voice: nice tone and rhythmic tempo.
• Clear enunciation: make effort to get it “tonally” right.
• Verbally repeat what they have just heard.
• Words often used: hear, sound, talk, etc.
• Gestures: gentle and flowing.
• Stand closer to others to listen better.
• Sequential in thinking.
• Challenge: easily distracted by sounds.

B. How to Creat Rapport with Auditory People

• Illustration: give them 10 seconds to browse through; concentrate on the verbal interaction; highlight important quotes or statements, etc.
• Use auditory descriptive words, likehear, saying, sound, explain, etc.; let them experience what it sounds like.
• Maintain rhythm while talking. Be aware of your vocal inflections and intonations.
• They learn best through listening and discussing: verbally repeat key points and reflect what they say; encourage them to think out loud; give them audio recordings; engage them over the phone.
• Give information in sequence: listen and utilize their key phrases or words; use power quotes.
• Minimize sound distractions: reduce pauses, um, er, ah, etc.; select appropriate location, typically quiet and muted background music.
• Match their eye contact: lesser eye contact than the visuals.
• Stand or sit closer.

How to Understand Others and Improve Communication (1)

In order to have a good communication, we must treat others in the way they like, instead of the way we like. Therefore, we need to understand others and find out what type of person he/she is, so that we can adjust ourselves and match with them.

In NLP, people are differentiated into 3 primary types by the way we process information through senses. They are the visual type, auditory type and kinesthetic type. (They are also known as Representational Systems.) Thus, we need to figure out what the other person’s preferred representational system is and how we adjust ourselves.

1. Visuals

A. Characteristics Generalizations

• Head: usually tilt slightly upwards.
• Breathe: higher in the chest and shallow.
• Good eye contact.
• Neck: straight and erect.
• Voice: higher pitched.
• Talk in quick burst.
• Words used often: see, look, picture etc.
• Gestures: unpredictable.
• Keep a distance from others in order to see better.
• Big picture in thinking.
• Challenge: remembering verbal instructions.
• General apperance: neat, good color and shape co-ordination.

B. How to Create Rapport with Visual People

• Illustration: give them ample time to look through; demonstrate with hand gestures; use colorful presentation kits, graphs, charts and pictures; etc.
• Use visual descriptive words, like see, picture, focus, show, etc.
• Speed up your tempo.
• They learn best through watching and reading: use illustrations to highlight your key points; let them verbally express their “picturesque” thoughts; show them videos; engage them with gestures.
• Give them the “big picture” first. Give summaries and information in bullet points.
• Minimize visual distractions: keep your dressing, make-up, hair, table neat; select appropriate location, typically bright, spacious, matching colors.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Give them space: stand, sit, illustrate with a 2-3 feet distance.

How to Make Our Relationship Last Long

Every Friday is Relationship Day.

I’ve been watching Desperate Housewives these days, and got some thoughts on lasting relationship. I found one of the most important ingredients for a long-lasting relationship is compromising.

We all have our own habits, and our own ways of seeing and doing things. There is no right or wrong standards for them. They made who we are. However, in a relationship, we may need to change our habits or ways of living a little bit.

Bree is a master in housework. She keeps everything clean and in order, and does well in every aspect, cooking, sewing, gardening, etc. Ironically, no one in her family understands her and acknowledges her efforts. She’s pathetic, not only because she failed to get understanding and support, but she does not know what is more important in relationships.

Harmony is one of the goals in a relationship. In order to get harmony, we need to give up some of our habits or ways of living sometimes. Bree doesn’t realize that it is her sticking to the unimportant trivials and perfectionism that kind of ruined her relationship. Those things are so unimportant as making our partner happy and at ease. If she could be a little compromising in her perfectionism, her relationship will definately change.

Meanwhile, Rex is sticky as well. The biggest difference between Rex and Bree’s second husband, Orson, is that Orson knows when and how to be compromising. Although sometimes outwardly and temporarily agrees with Bree, Orson knows at that moment harmony is the most important thing, instead of arguing or just expressing his opinion. Compromising is not to give up our opinions totally, instead, it’s a timing-choosing about when and how to express our different opinions. Compromising is supposed to be a win-win strategy.

What’s your opinions? You are most welcomed to share with us in the comments.